Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Welcome to the jungle

Why does ridiculous shit like this keep happening?

If my old man found out I was part of a riot at the mall he would have bashed my brains out with a shovel.  Where is the discipline?  DO YOU LIKE DISCIPLINE?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Insidious

Why this liberal leech is not fighting for her life in the ladies lockup is beyond comprehension.

Oh nevermind, what's the use of complaining anymore if no one has the ballsack to do anything about it?

Following up

I got an email about this Facebook posting the other day.  Seems that the chap is one of the SCOAMF's niggas from Chi-Town.  I guess his community never got organized.

What a surprise.

Uh, asshole?


Pathological

They don't call him the SCOAMF for nothing.

Graphic illustration of our current situation:

Fitting

It's only natural law that would allow for a state that elected a dog as mayor of a small town to also have a state park named Big Bone Lick. Thank you Kentucky for making the impossible possible.

In other news:


County Law!

And that's all I have to say about that.


Ahhhhh

The sweet, sweet nectar of irony couldn't be any tastier, especially when it rises up to smack liberal retards right in their big ol' human microphonic mouths.

Think about how loudly they scream when the idea of budgetary responsibility is offered by someone on the conservative right.  Seems it sounds something like this:


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Dios mio

Liberals never cease to entertain with their endless, lunatic ideas.

Self-service, unmanned customs/immigration kiosks on the border with Mexico in the middle of the west Texas desert.  Brilliant fucking idea chief!

But I thought Obama said ATM's were bad for the economy?



Confounding

I don't know whether I'm thirsty for a glass of scotch or for a cup of warm milk.

Media

It's unfortunate that the media has already decided that this guy is a doofus or George Bush Jr. or any other negative ascription they can devise. 

This man is clearly much smarter than he is given credit for and personally I think he'd be a fine president.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Too much input

So much craziness to write about that I find myself stumped with writer's block.  So, we will try an exercise in word associations.  I'll state a word or words which is linked to a current event and let's see if your associated word puts you in the ballpark of the story.

Gorilla.
 
Little Feet.

Roast beef flaps.

Deeper.

Thrust!

Butchery.

Hairballs.

Johnny Bag-O-Donut.

Fellatio.


Classic

In light of all the stupidity in today's world, here is a flashback to a lighter time courtesy of Chris Farley.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Easy Livin'

I have nothing nice to say about this.

These people should be required to work hard labor in a Third World leper colony for the next ten years of their lives.  They should have to liquidate all assets and repay every dime they spent courtesy of the United States Taxpayer.  After all of that. . .we might let them back into the country.

I'd also settle for about 10-15 years of prison for mail fraud and conspiracy charges. 


Thursday, December 1, 2011

10, 9, 8

Making concrete is easy. Watching people who make concrete for a living totally fuck it up and refusing to listen to common sense is irritating.





I almost a 4. I need to be around a 1.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Yo!



I'm not sure what that was all about. But I am sure that whatever this thing is should be cryogenically frozen and stored in the seed vault on the Norwegian Island of Spitsbergen, so that after we destroy Earth and all of mankind the survivors will have a prime example of what not to be ever, ever again.

¡Peligroso!





You almost deserve to have your ass fall off if you are dumb enough to go to some freak's house to have ass "implant injections."


People are getting stupider by the day, aren't they?

Change you can believe in

I was going to title this post "Unbelievable!" but hey, let's call a spade a spade.

We don't need no stinking badges!


From the category of

.....you just can't make this shit up.


Thank you Baby Jesus!

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

And if you can stomach some wretched hyperbole of what a iconoclastic cocksucker politician he was, then click here.

Otherwise, here are some great pictures of the female form for your enjoyment.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Gobble this

Here's a Thanksgiving recipe for you.  It's easy as scratching your dirty butthole and contaminating 300 pounds of cole slaw.

Get some fennel, slice that shit into slices.  That's why they call it slicing  While you are fucking that up, peel a couple of apples.  Or don't peel them.  Peeling them only produces larger turds.  Put those sliced slices with the other sliced slices and slop some over-priced, nasty-ass-tasting, extra-virgin olive oil on those sliced slices.  Jigger in some apple cider vinegar and some lemon juice.  Don't forget to keep the lemon seeds out, wouldn't want to knock Granny's bridge out of her pie-hole.

Mix that shit around a little like you know what the fuck you are doing.  In the meantime, kick your old lady in the shin and tell that hooch to chop you up some tarragon.  Berate her constantly and tell her how stupid she is during the process because you'll be too drunk to fuck after this day is over anyway.

Add the tarragon to your completely fucked up bowl of sliced slices and have your 7 year old nephew stir it with his filthy doo doo hands.  Add some salt and pepper and maybe a dab of honey if it's a bit loud.

Optional items might include unwashed sliced celery slices.  Red onion slices sliced up into slices.  And maybe some knobs of gorgonzola cheese, which for those who forget or don't like to think of these kinds of things, is actually rotten milk fermented with fungi and cow gut juice and is festering with blue-green bacteria.

Let it sit for a little while, then serve.  And sit back, relax, slam some tequila, and relish in the fact that you have created a masterpiece of culinary genius and that several hours from now, everyone one you hate in your family with be shitting volcanic lava from their butts.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Interesting

The memo pledges that Pakistan would then hand over top al Qaeda and Taliban officials residing in Pakistan, including Ayman Al Zawahiri, Mullah Omar, and Sirajuddin Haqqani, or give U.S. military forces a "green light" to conduct the necessary operations to capture or kill them on Pakistani soil, with the support of Islamabad. "This commitment has the backing of the top echelon on the civilian side of our house," the memo states.

Well, it's about time, turds.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Also

And while the giant microwave is open, shove these fucking turds in there too.

Goddamned savage beasts.

Limp

Delivering dreams my ass.







No one is sitting around saying, "ZOMG! I wonder when my dream will arrive?" They are sitting around saying, "Where are the fucking mattress people? They should've been here four hours ago!"

The ad people who came up with this miserable excuse of a slogan should be herded into a giant microwave and exploded. And the two generic nerds who posed for the silhouette in the nifty delivery costumes should have their penises slammed shut in a burning jack-in-the-box made of barbed-wire.

That should be penalty enough for my disappointment that MattressFirm doesn't actually deliver dreams, but instead delivers over-priced, rectangular-shaped, wooden boxes of metal coils and fabric.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to lay down on my dream and take a nap.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

ALERT!!!!


The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.



And in other unworthy news

I quote Obama:

You know, they said we needed to triple the Border Patrol. Or now they’re going to say we need to quadruple the Border Patrol. Or they’ll want a higher fence. Maybe they’ll need a moat. Maybe they want alligators in the moat. They’ll never be satisfied. And I understand that. That’s politics.

Maybe a moat ain't a such bad idea there chief.

Farts in the wind

I can just imagine you sitting in front of your lighted mirror, preening and preening, most sure of your self, your intelligence, your self-importance, and awareness. The people around you serving your every need and reinforcing your bulging ego, bringing you your Chai latte made with soy milk as you nibble on nutritious bars of organic, free-range, cracked hominy and millet. Yes sir, you have certainly arrived. People look to you for answers, they delve into your astounding intelligence seeking the truth of the world around them. Too bad you are a fucking fraud, just like the legions of your contemporaries who have cast their unbiased journalistic integrity into the bitter wind.

Dogs are pretty smart and self-aware too, however this does not stop them from licking their own balls and asshole.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Second Chance

Just like a liberal to not think of the consequences of his actions prior to acting upon them.

Next time might I suggest sticking your head in there instead of your arm.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Friday, October 28, 2011

Unreal

Hairy Scary


An approriate news story prior to Halloween.

Zip asks, “I wonder what kind of animal lives in there?”


......which reminds me of the old George Carlin cheer:

Rat shit,
Bat shit,
dirty old twat,
sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot,
hooray,
lizard shit,
fuck!


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Winning commentary of the day

Relating to this story. The irony and hypocrisy is simply delicious and not much unlike a salad of roasted beets and sheep's-milk cheese.

MWR says:

Dear OWS,
Please enjoy the moochers, leeches, vagrants, wastrels, and ne’er-do-wells as they stream into your encampment uninvited, commit crime and incite mayhem, complain about being asked to do anything in exchange for food and shelter, and beginning accusing you of hating homeless people, ex-cons and the mentally unstable because you’re not willing to simply give things away to people who don’t necessarily support your worldview and are just looking for a free ride.
Welcome to your own personal welfare state. You’ve no one to blame but yourselves.
Sincerely,
MWR



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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Down twinkles

This whole occupy bullshit is getting to me. First, the direct comparisons of the Tea Party movement to this idiocy is utterly absurd and patently false. No rapes, sexual assaults, vandalism or unwanted foot sniffing at any Tea Party gatherings that I or any other rational human being is aware of. Secondly, a coherent list of reasonable demands has yet to materialize from this festering brain trust of neo-liberalism. For God's sake, they can't even agree upon appropriate drumming protocol! Thirdly, this group of supposedly enlightened individuals who want everyone to feel included have decided that is it necessary to label and divide groups within the encampments for one reason or another. Hey, what about middle-aged, lisping, college professors of Proto-Grecian Philosophy who enjoy rubbing one out while dressed in hard rubber and viewing nature films on primate homosexuality? He's a people too ya know!

Fuck these morons.

I have a new hand sign for them. When I am asked, "Hey Gilmour, what do you think about these wonderful protests against.....blah, blah, blah. . ."

I reply by pursing my lips and sticking my tongue out a little and expelling air through that apparatus, which makes a wholly inappropriate but wonderfully low, slow, and wet farting noise while I stroke my invisible schlong in the universal sign of not giving a fuck about any of this silly bullshit.





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Monday, October 24, 2011

Quote

"The old man beat him to a protoplasm bag of fiction." -- Gary Busey on World's Dumbest Criminals


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Buggers!

That's just like a couple of fucking gnomes.....hiding in the background until they spring forward to suck the blood from your ankle.




Deviant little bastards.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hay kitty

I lived on a considerable piece of property. Many acres of grass and forest and water for which to enjoy the natural beauty of nature.




My cats enjoy nature too. They like to chase bugs and birds and persecute one another on a whim and frankly, they don't know how lucky they are. I'm lucky, they are lucky.




Nature shows itself in other ways too. My cats have never used a litter box in their lives because they have 70-someodd acres on which to do their business and strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I hardly ever see them out there doing the doo as they say.

This however does not mean that I can't find the only pile of cat shit on 70 acres to step in, because I can.



Fucking nature!

A study of inanimate stuff #8





1.21 gigawatts!!!


Monday, October 17, 2011

Bang bang ur ded

I have a lot of people ask me why I carry a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum as my choice weapon for personal protection. Many would exclaim that it is too large or unweildy, quite impractical or simply just too much gun for that type of thing. Nay young fools, there are many reasons exactly why you SHOULD carry this weapon.

If faced with a potentially violent situation and one has to reluctantly produce this fine weapon of cool black Scandium alloy and stainless steel then it is likely that your perpetrator will instantly shit in his drawers (see photo above for reference).  And if this doesn't persuade the hoodlum to vacate your personal space and you actually have to fire the weapon at said criminal, I am not even convinced that you have to actually hit the perp with a shot for it to be effective.

Ideally, if you hit him, he's dead.  A large protion of him will be removed resulting in a very bloody mess.

However, if you miss, one of three things might happen:

1) the sound might deafen him permanently which will be just desserts for jacking with you in the first place;

2) the shockwave might knock him down giving you enough time to escape or fire a second shot;

3) you can melt his face with the five foot flame that erupts from the barrel.

I think I like #3 the best.



So bring it on 99%'ers! Us gun-loving, God-fearing conservative types are waiting for you to send our country spiraling into anarchy.  That's what you want, right? 

You know, we might not mind it too much either. . .

Friday, October 14, 2011

Image

My dad always said something to me about being only as good as the people I associated with and generally this well-worn speech would coincide with some faulty decision-making on my part.  For example, like the time I was picked up by the cops about 3 in the morning carrying a large diving knife and hanging with two dudes three or four years older.  Looking back I just wanted to be "cool" like them when merely I was just their pawn, the little guy that would do whatever they asked of me.  They led I followed.

The same can be said of adults and people of power and influence.  Exhibit 1A.


I don't know if this is scary, stupid or what. I guess in light of all that has been said and done lately, nothing should surprise me any longer.

And as a side note to the parable above, remind me to tell you about the time the two older guy had me perched in the window of some girl's bedroom trying to wake her and having a stand-off with the family dog. Brainz, brainz, brainz.

Knowing better

I know myself well enough to understand that by watching this video would have an end result of really souring what it actually a pretty good day. What I did not expect though, was that I would actually feel part of my brain dying in a quick and painful fashion.

These supposedly "enlightened" people have a scale of ignorance that is unimaginably large, especially when one of their own speaks a little truth to them.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

99%

Big Brain Campbell has some words for the 99ers:


and as he stated in his email, he's not "too ashamed to hide behind a notebook pad."

His words unedited:

I grew up on a family farm where you were expected to work for the food on your table. I got my first paying job making minimum wage when I was fourteen years old and I thought I was rich. I worked my way through college and got a master’s degree. It is not in Global Management…………………or Creative Writing. My first job out of college I was “underemployed” but I didn’t know it. In fact, I didn’t know that was even a term. I had student loans and paid them off early. I married a great person and we have three wonderful kids who know what individual responsibility is. I did not save enough for college for them so I have taken out student loans, of which I will pay off. I make more money than I thought I ever would, but that doesn’t put me in the top 1 %, or the top 10 % for that matter. We spend less money than we make. We own five vehicles and all of them were paid for with cash. The newest one is a 2004 model. My wife drives a 1996 model because there is nothing wrong with it. Other than the college loans, we will be debt free in less than three years (including my house). I work hard every day because that is what it takes. If I get fired tomorrow I will have a job by the end of the week, even if it is delivering pizzas. On the days I designate not to work, I play hard, too. I eat whatever ice cream is on sale. I do not own anything that Apple (one of the largest corporations in the world) markets. I do not have a tattoo and my hair is it’s natural color. People who hire other people (of which I am one of) like that. It’s called image. For those of you who are protesting about jobs, the United States Armed Services are hiring every day. I am not gloating, I am one of the 99 % (or one of the 50 % that pays taxes).

Dangerous

Jackson called for full government employment of the 15 million unemployed and said that Obama should “declare a national emergency” and take “extra-constitutional” action “administratively” — without the approval of Congress — to tackle unemployment.

Out of the mouths of babes sometimes leaks the truth.

Thanks Jesse Junior, you obviously come from the loins of your father, however, your utter ignorance outclasses dad by a country mile.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What?

Piter De Vries: It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Us v. Them

There is a famous line from the movie Oh Brother Where Art Thou in which Homer Stokes questions the masses by saying in fine Mississippi parlance, "Is you is, or is you ain't, my constituency?"

Well, is you?

Or ain't you?

Moooove it

It's not only in the Arabian Peninsula kids.  They want it HERE too.

And some of your elected officials walk alongside these creeps today.  Congratulations America, you have reached the bitter end.  Please do not forget your towel.


Count me out

99% my stinking, hairy asshole.

If these people represent the overwhelming majority of the United States, then we are surely screwed like a donkey at a Saudi Arabian sheik's camel beauty contest.  So prepare people. Since America has instantly become 99% liberal, prepare for scenes like this at your next VFW parade, because you know it's a helluva lot easier to ask naked people to tote a towel to sit on in public places instead of asking same said people to put their fucking clothes on when they go out in public just like the 99% of the rest of the planet does!

And if hypocritical turds like these two flimsy dopes decide to stand with the 99%, then why not hand over the $300+ million dollars to the masses that you got for your cutesy ice cream brand from the big bad evil corporation named Unilever?  Yeah, I didn't think so you filthy fucks.

The next time I'm in Walgreen's and I spy one of your overpriced, but oh-so-hippiefied pints of ice cream named Cherry Bo-Berry Gary Is a Scary Fairy in the freezer section, I'm going to open it, eat half of it, shit in it and put the lid back on, but not before applying in unwashable marker it's new name which will be "Eat My Turd."  This makes much more sense than any of those vague pop culture references your marketing department came up with.  Truth in advertising!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Have you seen any of this

....at a Tea Party rally?  Or any other conservative gathering for that matter?

I think not.

I was just thinking that those who scream the loudest are usually the problem.

I've seen a ship of fools before

....but one sailing in a Sea of idiots is a whole 'nother spectacle.

And then this, this morning, in my email:

Glimour -

The Occupy Wall Street protest is a watershed moment. For weeks, protesters have been camped out in Liberty Square near Wall Street. They are marching during the day and sleeping on the street at night, facing arrest and police violence. They are gaining media attention, inspiring thousands more to join them every day in New York and in cities across the country -- and they are giving a voice to the American working class that has been attacked [attacked??? lolwtf??? - ed.] by big corporations and their allies in Congress.

The Occupy Wall Street protesters are standing up for us -- because of that, thousands of people across the country have joined together to send them food to keep them going. These donations have worked. They've kept the occupation strong. But it's October in New York City and getting colder each day. Protesters are now in immediate need of 200 sleeping bags to keep warm and keep the occupation going. Donate $20 here to buy a sleeping bag to keep the occupation going in the cold.

 Working together, we can build a movement to take back our country from corporate greed.

In solidarity, - Gregg

Gregg Ross, Political Campaign Manager Democracy for America

Ummm, yeah, no. As a matter of fact, a big fat, fucking, stinky fart, doo doo in your eyeball kinda no.

These lousy cretins don't deserve one red fucking penny from me or anyone else that works for a living because they have decided to shirk off real life to go camp out with hordes of other stinking, dirty hippies with no iota of how the real world works.

Fuck you Gregg, you three g's in a name putz gurgler, and fuck these morons who have decided on their own will to sleep out in the fucking cold. Hey hippies, here are the job postings for New York City. Get a job, then you can get your own fucking sleeping bag.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Your rural Mississippi road of the day

Rankin County





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Some things

....require a little dancing.

Adios amigos, burn in hell for all eternity.

And now. . .that dancing I promised;

So what do they think?

People just run around with guns in their hands, waving them wildly like Yosemite Sam, looking down the end of the barrel, pointing them at children and playing Russian Roulette in our spare time?

McCrum said almost every woman she encountered while working on this project talked passionately about gun safety. Many also were completely conversant on the gun laws in their states. McCrum, who doesn’t own a gun herself, was struck by the ease and confidence so many women had with their weapons after years of training with a huge emphasis on safety.

Fucking turd.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Now that there kinda shit

. . .is some mighty flavorful good ass unexpected shit.  Knowwhatimeanvern?

Lady Gaga can. . .

ga ga ga ga get the fuck off this planet.

Regardless of whether or not I like my president, and I don't, there is no reason why you should go to a presidential meeting, speech, fundraiser or whatever, dressed like a 9-foot cartoon alien.  That shit is ridiculous and only demeans, from lack of respect, the office of the president even further beyond what damage has already been done by the fist bumps, heinous speech gaffes, lazy ass feet up on the desk pictures, make the Dalai Lama walk out the back past the trash sorta shit that's being going on around this douchebag.

Lady Gaga, do you need attention?

Might I suggest some therapy?

It's your birthday?





I recently celebrated my birthday and.....




....well, you know.

Thrust!!!

Achtung!

“I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won’t hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover,” Perdue said at a rotary club event in Cary, North Carolina, according to the Raleigh News and Observer. “I really hope that someone can agree with me on that.”

Umm yes, and you, dear Ms. Twat McTwatimus can just leave your citizenship at the nearest point of departure and go find a nice warm place like North Korean where stuff like that actually happens.  I hope you enjoy eating tree bark.

DLTDHYOTWO sweet tits, but if it does, I hope it knocks your fucking buttocks off.

So Bev, basically what you are telling us is that we should not be allowed to vote because y'all cannot seem to compromise on anything and somehow this is our fault, even though it is y'all who can't affect compromise.

Only in the liberal mind does this logic make sense.  Thinking before speaking anyone?

This is the same kind of retarded  liberal logic used when banks were legislated (forced) into making no down payment home loans to people who couldn't possibly pay them back.  And just look at the results of that fine mess.

And just when you think it's only an isolated incident, along come ol' Petey Pete PeterPecker to join in the Fascist fun!

And in other not really news

Rhianna rents a field, promptly flops her little globulars out, field farmer strokes it and Hollywood is sent-a-packing.

Give an elephant a typewriter and he'll learn to fish for men.

Whatever.

Just dropping by

to tell that Zuckerburg goober and the entire Facebook nation to slowly indulge in the sweet and salty goodness which is the backside of my balls.

Fuck you asshole.

That is all and have a lovely day.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Belfrey

I saw this story and the sub-headline really drove me batty!

It said "hero passenger" trapped it in the restroom.

C'mon people, it's not like it was a flying shark or something that is actually dangerous! The last time a bat actually killed a human being was about, uh.....never.

The sub-headline should read "practical and rationally-natured human being closes door, traps bat." Hero is a bit hyperbolical. A hero to me would have been if that person karate chopped open the door of the plane and started tossing out the hysterical fools who I can only imagine were much more out of control on the plane than a harmless bat.

I see bat people.

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Saturday, August 6, 2011

Yum yum eat it

First we were terrorists, but all of the sudden we have transmorgified into cannibals! All you can eat baby!!

From Salon:

A Congress dominated by mindless cannibals is now feasting on a supine president. But surely even he now realizes there's no middle ground with antagonists whose only interest is in seeing him humiliated.

Read the whole thing, it is a keen insight into the twisted thinking of the kool-aid drinking left. They just don't understand that we are broke.

Friday, August 5, 2011

A study of inanimate stuff #7





hat

Ignorance is

A joke:

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"


Obama's Kool-aid economics.. Don't drink it people.

Civility war

Well hades.

I was on my way to writing an epic screed that included references to 1/2 price Siberian midget tranny hookers and how that related to our current economic affairs (crisis!), but then I dropped my phone and it vanished.

So I'll just say this: I am sick of hearing how we should all share in the "sacrifice" when the only ones not sacrificing a fucking thing are the assholes in Washington who cannot control themselves with OUR money!

And secondly, fuck you and your goddamned righteous preaching about civility! The liberals in this country were the first ones to jump on that bandwagon after Rep. Giffords was shot in the head. Fast forward to today and anyone who wishes for accountability and reconciliation of our spending in Washington is a "terrorist." What?

Someone needs to explain that logic to me, because I thought requiring the government to live within its means was simply good governance and being responsible.

Ugh.

On the bright side, only another year or so left in all this change we can believe in. Then maybe the 1/2 off 1/2 size Siberian midget tranny hooker sale will look a little more affordable.


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A study of inanimate stuff #6





Friday, July 29, 2011

Irony, bittersweet irony

Gee whiz, you mean capitaliism actually works?  Who'da thunk it??

Obviously, not Washington DC.

10 years ago

Boy, how I wish we could all jump in the "way back" machine together (well, maybe not all of us) and travel back to the heady halcyon days of May 2001 when everyone was bitching about $2 a gallon gasoline and Osama bin Laden was just a rode-hard, put-up-wet, camel humper loping around the mountains of Afghanistan in a dirty bed sheet.

Fast forward to today, where we having raging deficits, out-of-control spending, an ever-growing and seemingly uncontrollable beast known as debt that is virtually impossible to pay off for the next generation or two and it makes the pre-9/11 days seem pretty freaking great, don't it?

Today though, instead of $2 a gallon gas as our main worry, we have other important matters to pay for such as the salaries of imprisoned Palestinian terrorists or jars of piss with a crucifix inside of it (it's art, ya know) or a shrimp running on a treadmill or the fire station that couldn't be built (thanks FEMA!) and lastly, the sidewalk paved (twice) to nowhere.

Washington DC needs to get it's collective and very much empty head out of it's fucking big, fat, entitled ass and get to work on putting this country back on the right track.  This is ridiculous!

Dammit, I'm so mad now I cannot even finish this post.  Fuck you Washington in your gad-damn donut hole!

Just when you think

......you've seen it all.  Along comes stupid to show you a little more.

And we are worried about the Chinese overtaking us economically and technologically?

The question I have is: don't they have some concoction brewed from the testicles or beak of some rare animal that would cure this man's ailments?  For god's sake, I saw freeze dried cockroaches in a Chinese grocery once.  Eat one of those fucking things, it ought to do the trick!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Anyone got a cool 2 mil?

The Dude's house is for sale.




Shut the fuck up Donny!

Fun

For you movie types who like a little caustic acid bath sarcasm with your movie reviews, have a look at Filmdrunk.

Good stuff!

Almost makes me never want to watch another Hollywood "blockbuster" again.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Brainz and logicz

The dumbest smart man's momma once said, "Stupid is as stupid does."

Rachel Maddow. . .you sir, are stupid.  And so are the half dozen San Fran bull dykes that watch your show every night.

Guns kill dead voters!!! Or something.  It's just as nonsensical as what she is trying to imply. . .



Feel the power of the vagina!
 

And speaking of

. . .Brother Holder.  Just what the holy fuck is this guy doing now?

Whose side is this guy on???

Tickled Pink

Maybe guys with foot fetishes had it going on all this time and we all thought they were just some kinda freaky!

Warning!!


You have been duly warned.

Welcome to Mississippi

True love can be found almost anywhere.  Even next to the Twinkies and Ho-Ho's.

Class and intelligence?  Well, that's a little harder to encounter. . .

Dirty

Remember, if we take down Obama, we get Biden.  Keep that in mind as you read this article.  Plus, since Obama is one of Attorney General Eric Holder's "people", it's very unlikely that anything will ever come of this.  Unless, Darrell Issa can dislodge the crook-in-chief or AG Holder first through his various investigations in House oversight committee.

Wishful thinking. . .

Passages in time

Passages in time

Jailbait

If this chick is 16 years old, then my name is Cenk De─čirmencio─člu and I play for the Turkish national badminton team.

I guess every tweaked-out, 16 year-old, plasticized, Barbie look-a-like needs an old, washed up, B-list actor to make her feel special.  Because everyone is special, right?  Mommy says so. . .

Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's what's for dinner

Moulder.





Last year it was Waldrup. This year it's Moulder. One thing is for certain, this cow gets passed around Yazoo City more than a bottle of lube at the Fulton Street Festival in San Francisco.

And before you go looking that up, you must trust me that it is heinous.

So, the question of this whole exercise is: who is the true owner of Election Cow?

And furthermore, who decided that it was savvy electioneering to plaster your name on the side of a 15 foot tall plastic cow?

And lastly, is there a larger market for plastic election cows? What about election goats? Or monkeys?

Something tells me monkeys would have a huge market.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

On the road again





Guess what Lucky Travel Lizard? Today we are going to Itta Bena!

Itta Whata?

Itta Bena, it's a small delta town.

Well color me purple and call me eggplant.

Hey now, Itta Bena is a nice little place and the name is derived from the Choctaw phrase "camp together" or "a place in the woods."

Thanks for the language lesson, Chief Humps Like Turtle.

Friday, June 3, 2011

New News

I have a new post up at The Big Feed, just look for the break dancing kitty.

And then there is this uncanny business. Freaky!




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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Equals

This kinda sums up my day:





Just hanging in there.

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Un-usefully

Goddamn liberals. Don't these mouth breathers have jobs?

The other day I was whisking myself to and fro throughout my great state in an effort to stay ahead of the over-whelming workload and the stress of a father in the ICU of the hospital.

I decided to grab a bite of food while on the road and out of convenience elected to get a chicken sandwich from my arch nemesis McDonald's. Now, before you start going apeshit about my own hypocrisy....let me tell you a little secret: Puerto Rico is filled with Ford Escorts and mother's cunts.

But I digress, I needed to eat, so I ate a chicken sandwich. Little did I know that an hour later as I approached to hospital I would encounter this bizarre sight.










Yes indeed, a rather nicely dressed and attractive young woman accompanied by a chicken holding a cane. My first impression was this must be some sort of gonzo advertising by the hospital's marketing department but as I drove closer I realized that both were holding signs castigating McDonald's for the broken legs and wings of chickens during processing.










I could taste the sweet irony of the crispy lunch I just ate and had I thought more quickly I would have hurled the last three bites of my broken leg bone sandwich at the filthy hippy in the chicken suit. The only thing I could manage was a screeching "any-cock-will-do!"

The sad thing is, innocent dopes are being bilked for their money to support this kind of ridiculous and ineffectual protest. But somewhere, in the deep recesses of the liberal mind, a neuron fires, a smile develops, and for a moment the chickens of the world are protected.

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Flow

This is the wing of a Boeing 757-300 powered by the Rolls Royce RB-211-535E4-B turbofan engine.  This has nothing to do with anything other than to satisfy my plane fetish.






Sorry for the long delay in posting.  The Old Popsicle has been in the hospital for the past twelve days.  Thirteen?  I lose count.  Anyway now that we have him stabilized I can return to my normalized duties of sleeping on the fold out couch in his room and eating shitty hospital food.  This place needs a chef.

Stay tuned. . .

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Westerly





The view across the scrubby hills of West Texas is indescribably endless. I look down on the crackled spider's web of dirt roads scratched into the Earth and the vast expanse of nothingness, a never ending canvass of dusty browns and muddled greens. Occasionally, the bright tin roof of an isolated home glints up at me and I wonder who is down there and what are they doing in this empty wasteland?





I see a patchwork of oil wells below, so I suppose that is part of an answer, but just how much work is involved in maintaining the working joints and slow, lazy, trundling bob of an oil pump? Surely there must be more to this spartan place.

But maybe there isn't. Maybe they are just there, subsisting in an unforgivable and little changing place with no eye for a larger life. Simple. Simplistic living that honors a long observed value system of family, religion and being one with the land. Maybe the Indians had it right in their singular reverence for the bounty of nourishment harvested from Mother Earth. They had it right and modern man, some modern men, have forgotten that.

Those survivors below have no concept of a man seven miles above them, who is thinking about them, who is admiring them as he travels to a much different place, an obverse of what is below. A place of fast-paced consumption and decadence where every whimsy and whim can be fulfilled. When I think of that, I realize that they below are the blessed ones. They are the true lifeblood, pure and untouched, and I envy them.





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