Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Un-usefully

Goddamn liberals. Don't these mouth breathers have jobs?

The other day I was whisking myself to and fro throughout my great state in an effort to stay ahead of the over-whelming workload and the stress of a father in the ICU of the hospital.

I decided to grab a bite of food while on the road and out of convenience elected to get a chicken sandwich from my arch nemesis McDonald's. Now, before you start going apeshit about my own hypocrisy....let me tell you a little secret: Puerto Rico is filled with Ford Escorts and mother's cunts.

But I digress, I needed to eat, so I ate a chicken sandwich. Little did I know that an hour later as I approached to hospital I would encounter this bizarre sight.










Yes indeed, a rather nicely dressed and attractive young woman accompanied by a chicken holding a cane. My first impression was this must be some sort of gonzo advertising by the hospital's marketing department but as I drove closer I realized that both were holding signs castigating McDonald's for the broken legs and wings of chickens during processing.










I could taste the sweet irony of the crispy lunch I just ate and had I thought more quickly I would have hurled the last three bites of my broken leg bone sandwich at the filthy hippy in the chicken suit. The only thing I could manage was a screeching "any-cock-will-do!"

The sad thing is, innocent dopes are being bilked for their money to support this kind of ridiculous and ineffectual protest. But somewhere, in the deep recesses of the liberal mind, a neuron fires, a smile develops, and for a moment the chickens of the world are protected.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Flow

This is the wing of a Boeing 757-300 powered by the Rolls Royce RB-211-535E4-B turbofan engine.  This has nothing to do with anything other than to satisfy my plane fetish.






Sorry for the long delay in posting.  The Old Popsicle has been in the hospital for the past twelve days.  Thirteen?  I lose count.  Anyway now that we have him stabilized I can return to my normalized duties of sleeping on the fold out couch in his room and eating shitty hospital food.  This place needs a chef.

Stay tuned. . .

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Westerly





The view across the scrubby hills of West Texas is indescribably endless. I look down on the crackled spider's web of dirt roads scratched into the Earth and the vast expanse of nothingness, a never ending canvass of dusty browns and muddled greens. Occasionally, the bright tin roof of an isolated home glints up at me and I wonder who is down there and what are they doing in this empty wasteland?





I see a patchwork of oil wells below, so I suppose that is part of an answer, but just how much work is involved in maintaining the working joints and slow, lazy, trundling bob of an oil pump? Surely there must be more to this spartan place.

But maybe there isn't. Maybe they are just there, subsisting in an unforgivable and little changing place with no eye for a larger life. Simple. Simplistic living that honors a long observed value system of family, religion and being one with the land. Maybe the Indians had it right in their singular reverence for the bounty of nourishment harvested from Mother Earth. They had it right and modern man, some modern men, have forgotten that.

Those survivors below have no concept of a man seven miles above them, who is thinking about them, who is admiring them as he travels to a much different place, an obverse of what is below. A place of fast-paced consumption and decadence where every whimsy and whim can be fulfilled. When I think of that, I realize that they below are the blessed ones. They are the true lifeblood, pure and untouched, and I envy them.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Uhhhh





- Posted from the Third Level of Travel Hades

Friday, May 13, 2011

Improvisational foodery


Being that I do all of the cooking, sometimes this man can only dream of some simplified goodness that would just fall out of the sky onto my plate so I don't have to worry over such trivial things like brunoise, Paysanne or tourn├ę knife skills or thickening some long cooked sauce with a slurry, or washing a sink full of dishes for that matter.

The thing is, I do not dislike cooking and on the contrary I enjoy it tremendously, just some days, some days it sucks balls to cook and I'd like to bash over the head with a wolly mammoth legbone the hairy, prehistoric motherfucker who got the bright idea to slap his brontosaurus burger in the fire. It was all your fault, man-beast. How nice it would be to just lurch out of the bushes onto an unsuspecting prehistoric saber-tooth squirrel and just bite his little fucking head off. No fuss, no muss, no disinfecting the counter. None of that shit.

Most of the time I just want to fling a hot dog in the microwave or eat tuna out of the can with crackers and hot sauce, wash all of that down with a few chokes from the jug of milk and then dive under the covers for some easy sleep with my cats comfortably ensconced about me.

So when I hit the jackpot of easy food after a weekend of hard labour I am one happy mongrel. Behold the easiest soup you'll ever make. That is, after you spend an entire weekend afternoon cooking all of it before hand.




This soup contains 5 main ingredients: smoked pork ribs, jalape├▒o sausage, Great Northern beans, braised Swiss Chard, and rice. All of these were cooked individually, but when heated separately and combined together in a bowl with sufficient amounts of pot liquor from the beans and chard you have something that could be considered espectacular!!!! The only thing that might improve this simple goodness would be a crunchy squirrel skull to nibble on too.


- Posted using two sticks, a booger and a series of Fetzer valves

Test fire

Blogger has been down for a while and some newer posts have been removed but will be regenerated soon. So they say.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Economical-like





- Sent from my iPhone

Rhyme like

You know, maybe if I write some shitty poetry I can get me an award and an invitation to the White House.

Let's give it a try:

Yo, I say the river was high,
And so was I,
the crank, the shank,
gonna rob me a bank.
Out jumped the pigs,
So I jumped in my rig,
Got my 24's spinnin'.
When I pulled off my wig.
Pigs in the skreets,
drawin' them gats,
I hooked it to da lef,
And I looked at the splat,
Of a pig's head in the skreet,
he went under my skid,
now there's red on red,
and from the sidewalks to eat
come the pernicious knids.

Yo. Word.  Dat's right.   Uh huh.

Can I gets me a government grant for this?  Dis' here be some art!

This calls for music

Jethro Tull Coreopsis.  The things you learn when you open your eyes to the world around you.




Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ex-squeeze me?

Normally, I enjoy reading the Wall Street Journal, not just for the business news, but the in-depth coverage of political issues without the liberal slant.  However, sometimes they lay a rotten egg in one of their articles that is difficult to ignore and baffling in its utter stupidity.

To steal the familiar refrain from a beer commercial:  Here we go!

"It remains unclear what could motivate those within Pakistan to help shelter bin Laden, and will remain so until the U.S. and European suspicions take clearer form."

(In the voice of Bill Lumbergh) Mmm, yeah we're gonna need to go ahead and have a little talk.

Clearly the reality of Islam and the power that it carries over the devout is lost on some, like the three authors of this article who probably have a million dollar combined journalism education from some snooty place like Colombia (Obama!) or CUNY. 

So, for the uneducated, Islam is the only religion that allows for lying and cheating and stealing and killing as long as it is perpetrated against the non-believer. Right out of the gate it corrupts the hearts and minds of its followers.  There is no complexity to this issue, it is quite simple.  Islam teaches to hate the non-believer, America is a non-believer, therefore, is it permissible to mislead, lie, cheat and steal from us.  And if the last 10 years haven't been clear enough, killing us is just fine too.

This misnomer of unclear motivations are in fact a pathetic attempt to excuse, in politically correct fashion, the incredible hypocrisy of Islam and their followers.  And as if you need any more evidence of this, just exactly what was growing around bin Laden's compound besides cabbages?  Oh yeah, a few hundred doobie plants. For medicinal use I'm sure.  This, in a military town, and directly across the street from a police station.  This place must have been a colony of deaf, dumb and blind people. Either that, or they are exactly what their religion teaches them to be: liars, thieves and killers.

Happy Joy

Ladies and Gentlmen, without further adieu, I present the one and only Keefy Main Hood Rich.





I know. I could barely contain my excitement when Big Brain Campbell sent me these photographs. I am just thrilled to the bone to see, in living color, Keefy Main Hood Rich. Life is now totally complete.

No, wait a minute......





Now life is complete. Thank you baby Jesus for Keefy Main Hood Rich and his 28" skrims. Amen Keefy Main Hood Rich!

Sent from my iPhone

Odorific

There is something I smell,
that is not well,
like cats in a hat,
riding underground rats.

It copulates and populates,
the wind of another,
a foul run down of yesterday's cover.

Truly expert,
the twist of a turn,
the ill wind proves rapid,
thine nose doth burn vapid.

Inquisitive and frank,
unlikely to rank,
among the favorite activities,
of the unbroken shank.

We will and we toil,
we smother and coil,
the truth of the fate,
and a brotherless hate.

All this shall break,
above the filthy round napes,
of the cats in a hat,
riding underground rats.


- Sent by my iambic penetrometer

Do you smell that?

I do too, because it smells just like bullshit.

"Security officials said they did not recover any arms and explosives during their detailed search of the compound on Monday and Tuesday."

So I am to believe that the world's. . .no no. . .the most wanted man in the Universe was in a house with not a single weapon in sight?  There are a lot of conflicting edits of this story and the only real truth was viewed through the eyes of the Seal team that courageously risked their lives to send bin Laden's brains out the other side of his face with a smartly placed bullet.

Anyting else, from government mouthpiece or confidential source, is simply conjecture and propaganda.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Order up!

Using some old kitchen lingo there.

To quote Bugs Bunny, "Of course you know, this means war."


You can't go around threatening the president of the United States, even if it is Obama.  And where is the outrage about this psychotic goon saying they would "hang" Obama?  Everyone knows that you can't infer such things about black people, someone's sensitivities might get hurt.  And speaking of sensitivities. . .

. . .doesn't matter what you do for these people.  Their "religion" keeps them in such a state of perpetual outrage that, in essence, NOTHING is satisfactory.  I think the Islamic world needs a collective blowjob.  These people are entirely too tense.

More Carlin goodness

Fuck yo couch. . .

Cl-ASS-hole Act

Consider this a recurring program of human ignorance.


Dateline Alabama:

Four ignorant white men from Florida decide to take advantage of the tornado devestation in Pleasant Grove posing as relief workers, but actually relieving homesites of people's personal belongings. Alabama says, "Hold up on that car wash, gentlemen," and sets bond at 200K apiece. Ouch! The tossed salad in prison is terrible, but the dressing is even worse.

Dateline Hallandale, Florida:

Imagine sitting around a table in bar with your buddy as you discuss the day's events while gesticulating widly with your hands when some 45-year old, filthy, skanky, nasty-ass, foot fungus-looking meth whore comes up to you, raging crazily in your face for some unknown reason, and you can't understand a single iota of what is emanting from her festering pie-hole. And, after naturally shooing away such a uncontrolable beast, the next thing you know, you and your bud are being knifed by a 19-year metro-sexual, Bo Derek-wannbe pussy and an unidentified 14-year old.

Well, that's what happened to two men in Florida, one of whom is deaf. And mute. And Queen Will Blow For Coke, in all of her glorious brilliance, misinterpeted American Sign Language for gang signs.

George Carlin once said, "People are fucking stupid!" And then he went on to tell us how to deal with them . . .


Monday, May 2, 2011

Bang bang ur ded

One cannot possibly stress the importance of the now dead human fish food formally known as Osama Bin Laden.  However, because I yam who I yam I would like to bring up a couple of points:

Why was this piece of meat given a proper burial at sea ceremony within the allotted time frame of the violent, poli-religious doctrine known as Islam?  Wasn't, by virtue of Bin Laden's activities over the last ten years or more, he considered to be a bad muslim by the standards of his actions?  Or does Islam encourage this kind of behaviour and therefore Bin Laden was a GOOD muslim?  Hhhmmmm?

And secondly, for those who are upset that Obama will get the credit for the kill, let me explain that President Buckethead was the same guy who campaigned and campaigned and promised and promised that he would close Gitmo.  Where did the initial information on Bin Laden's courier come from?  You betcha, from Gitmo.

So in reality, Obama should only get credit for signing a piece of paper authorizing the opening of a long-stored and dusty can of American whoopass on Bin Laden.  Nothing more, nothing less.

God Bless America!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Rot in hell

Why am I drinking hot beer at 10:30 on a Sunday night? Well, who wouldn't be considering the great news that bin Laden is dead.





God bless America and her mighty military that have kept us safe and provided for our continuing freedom. And peace be upon those tortured souls who perished on that fateful day some 10 years ago.

- Sent from my iPhone

Right-O Honkey!

Some dipshit on The View asked the serious question of the Royal wedding, "Where are the black people at?"  I have a better question, "Where was The Who?"




Well Fatty McFatterton, I guess we didn't realize that there are now racial quotas for every fucking thing on the planet, including the weddings of royalty.  But, what about NBA basketball?  Where are all the white people at?  Or the Crips and Bloods gangs, where them honkies be at, yo?  How come there aren't any white folks involved with the New Black Panthers or the Nation of Islam?  Seems to me those organizations exclude solely based on the color of pale skin.

So Sherri, go eat a fucking case of twinkies, oh wait, those have a white filling. . .ok, maybe a chocolate Moon Pie then and wash that puppy down with an R-ah C cola while you commiserate with your soon to be husband over your own wedding plans.  Which, I am sure is going to be racially balanced, right?

As The Who says, "Who the fuck are you?"