Friday, April 29, 2011


As I watched the wedding this morning, they kept showing an overhead shot of the royal family and I noticed this thing which I could not describe that seemed suspended in the air.  Like a decorative sconce or valence or something.  I didn't know what the hell it was.  That is until everyone departed and I realized that Princess Beatrice was wearing a hat that looked like she got her head stuck in the back of some antique Victorian chair.

I guess she was just keeping with the theme of royalty.  Or jonesing for a job working as fashion designer for Lady Gaga.


You fucking racist!!  Oh. . . .well, he's gotta be some kinda -ist!

Maybe real-ist.


I was up early this morning and watched most of the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton and I must admit that it was a beautiful and emotional ceremony.  I felt some tears a time or two and I am not afraid to admit it.  The pomp, the circumstance, the music, the words of God, the celebration by the English public. . .I thought it was all just fab.

It was nice to see a public celebration that didn't include arson, turning cars over, looting, and people clubbing each other in the head with bricks.  Or suicide bombers.

Congratulations England, you deserved a day to rejoice!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Goodbye Mother

Took all day. . .

But the bad weather is finally out of here.

My prayers are with those who lost loved ones in those terrible storms yesterday, especially around the Tuscaloosa and Birmingham areas. Just horrific!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I'm glad Barry Obama released his birth certificate this morning. For one thing, it puts to rest a very persistent rumor that was, in fact, originally perpetrated by a Democrat during the 2008 election campaign. Bonus points for those who remember who it was.

Secondly, it exposes what a petty and thoughtless human being Barack Obama is. Remember, he said he found the two and a half year odyssey "amusing." Well Mr. Funny Pants, wasting our fucking time with the whole thing wasn't very amusing to me and it shows not in the abstract, but in plain, clear and sharp sight, your incredible lack of disrespect for the American public and the REAL problems we are having that you ALSO fail to acknowledge. I know, I know. . .life is so much easier on the golf course.

I never for once believed that Obama was born outside the United States, however his continuing reluctance to shed light on his very dark and dim past (and spending millions to keep it dark) is troubling. Early on I had to make the assumption that the government has some sort of fail-safe verification structure that will protect the presidency (and this country) from exactly that kind of thing. I had to have faith in that assumption.

Nevertheless, I can't say that Trump won this battle, although in the very least his dogged determination may have been a force in the release of Obama's certificate. But neither is Obama the winner because this whole episode highlights more of his readily apparent disdain for his office, this country and our people.


Blow me

Hey Lucky Travel Lizard, where. . .hey whoa, what happened to you??!

Yeah, thanks for leaving the passenger side door open all night during the tornadoes, thunderstorms and hail, numbnuts!

Oh, about that. . .

C'mon let's hear it.

Well ah, um. . .yeah, I really needed to wash out that side of the cab.

Thanks dickhead. Now, what do you want?"

Where are we going today?

Today, my forgetful friend, we are going to Kiln, Mississippi, locally known as "The Kiln." The Kiln is called that because of the many lumber kilns that were in operation back in the day.

Is that all?

Well, they are also known for their redneck, inbred, swamp residents, and Brett Farve.

Really, Brett Farve is from there?

Actually he is from Rocky Hill, but he played high school ball in Kiln. They have erected a bronze statue in the town square of him in his jock strap and holding a cell phone showing a picture of his penis.


No, you idiot. But they should.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I don't know that anyone can verify the validity of this account of what happened to the vile cretins Westboro Church of Satan who were supposed to protest the recent funeral of Marine Staff Sgt. Jason Rogers, however the city of Brandon and Rankin County in general is a place where this is most likely too happen.  Either way, the dash cam video from the state trooper is a testament to all the good and righteous things people can be in this world and particularly, in Mississippi.

I am real proud to say that these are my people and for a place that usually ends up last on the list of good things and first on the list of bad things, we deserve some recognition for the good people that we are.  Thank you Brandon, Rankin County, Mississippi, but most especially Marine Staff Sgt. Jason Rogers.  You did real good Devil Dog, rest in peace sir.


Mother Nature can be a wonderful thing to observe, but as we all know, she can be a cruel and unkind enitity also.  Sadly, our little flotilla of baby geese did not survive again this year and the parents have been moping around for days.  By this time last year they were long gone, but they seem content to hang around for whatever reason and that's fine with us.  Stay a long as you like. . .

And there are other things to keep us busy, like feeding the fish. . .Hi Gilmour, thanks for the niblets!

Or watching the Blue Herons and Great Egrets stalk fish in the shallows. . .sssshhhh!

Or just kicking back on the porch with a favorite beverage as the light fades to black and another day of life comes to an end.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


I read in a book that a male Indigo Bunting's feathers are actually black, but appear blue as they refract sunlight.

Little buggar looks blue to me, but either way, just happy to have a handful of these pretty birds nesting nearby.

A study of inanimate stuff #5



The #1 Fishcat is so outrageous that he even defies the laws of gravity.


Hey Little Ms. Fussbudget, they are right behind you?



Just heard Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu quote a couple of numbers on Fox News, I paraphrase:

219,000 people were captured last year crossing the Mexico/Arizona border illegally.  Twice that number are not captured.

That's almost half a million new folks in a year's time and in one state!  Sorry Mr. Napolitano, but you are a damned liar!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Bang bang ur ded

Y'all know I like guns, right?  Big guns, little guns, long guns, short guns, guns you can get your hands around, guns that take two hands or more.

But this gun, this fucking slut genius dirty whore of a gun, is simply the gun of all guns. A gun so big, powerful and ludicrous that it makes Saddam Hussein's mountain-side, Nazi-age, mortar-dildo from 1988 look like a limpdick pea-shooter firing overcooked acini de pepe pasta in the final scene of Sergio Leone's For A Few Dollars More versus Colonel Mortimer's shoulder-fired, single-action, 10" Colt .45 "Buntline Special" pistol with detachable stock. . .wa-waaaa-ah-waaaah!

In other words, it really wouldn't pay to be the first guy that took a hit from this gun. Or the guy behind the inches of armor it just penetrated after your head was vaporized. Or the guy behind him. Or the guy 7-straightline kilometers away who just ate shit on a molecular level as he was fingering his own butthole wondering if his personal itching was caused by poor field hygiene or a bad case of pinworms.

In any case, the recipient of this weapon will have some serious regrets and the most likely recipient is liable to to think to himself in the split-second before death: Wǒ kào or I hope my comorants are ok.

God Bless America, because no matter how the politicos want to portray it, American ingenutiy and smarts are constantly moving forward, whether those assholes like it or not.

By Request

Uh oh

Could this be a game changer?


I've talked about this before at that other blog I sometimes work for.  If you are going to shuck your drawers in front of a camera, you must EXPECT repercussions.  No matter how cute or pretty you are. 

But then again, beauty pageant contestants have never been known for their brains.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011


I expect the TSA to do their job.  I expect the TSA to do their job in an efficient and courteous manner.  I expect the TSA to realize that they hate their job and must accept that they are the least likely individuals to intercept a terrorist.  I do not expect the TSA to be a bunch of jaded, has-been, mall cop rejects with chips on their shoulders the size of Mizar 5 in transorbital regression.  However, from the looks of the agents in my airport, becoming a TSA agent must be about as difficult as joining the French Foreign Legion, roller derby, Hair Club for Men, or finding a job giving laxative suppositories to inbred, mentally-retarded wombats in a New Zealand zoo.

Yet.............. remains. . .you can put a turd in a uniform with a badge, but when they encounter a crazy lady in a pink bunny costume AND carrying confetti filled pastic eggs, Chapter 35.a3.2b3.245.88.AA2399 in the TSA manual of terrorist-type folks who might do some shit indicates that the proper response is to immediately put your big fat ass on your shoulders and huff around like a goddamn Cambodian yak with its ringworm infested nuts in a flaming sling until the real police are summoned and the TSA can actually do sumpin' to that beyotch, yo!

Air travel sucks, and it's gonna really suck for a long, long, long time.  Thanks Obama, er, uh, uh, um, I mean Osama.

And you think it's bad now?  Just wait until they unionize.

Something New

Hey you!  Click below for an important announcment

Free shit

Hey Canada?  Want a part of Michigan?  Apparently one township no longer wishes to be a part of the United States.  No really, it's free.  Just take it.  I assure you we will not miss it at all.

Red rover, red rover

Send your big government pussy right over!

Normally, I'd say this is a bunch of bullshit, but in this case I completely agree with the state of New York, but I'd like to add a few things to this list of stuff they want to ban so that no one gets hurt ever never, ever ever again, amen!

Let's start with scissors and pencils and running through the house.  Big Wheels, Lil' Red Wagons and the game of Twister.  We should also ban walking down the street or riding on a school bus, karate practice, football, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, and blowing bubbles from your tear ducts. Chewing gum and eating hot dogs (you could choke on it), 3-D video games (epilepsy), Kool-Aid (diabetes), lighting farts (fire hazard).  We should ban homemade soda bottle rockets, slingshots, magnifying glasses, home science kits, pick-up sticks, Lincoln logs, kites, Sit and Spins, bicycles, skateboards, go-karts, mini-motorcycles, Sea Monkeys and the old stick-string-box animal trap. And how could we forget the Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock!!!!

In fact, let's just ban all human activity.  No, better yet, let's just fucking ban children.  They are a goddamn nuisance anyways and all they do is run around and get hurt all the fucking time.  Oh wait, we kinda sorta already HAVE banned them.  332,278 were banned in 2009 by Planned Parenthood alone.  Thanks Planned Parenthood, just think of all the skinned knees and brusies you saved those children from.

Geometric progression

Where are we going today, Lucky Travel Lizard?

Howz about we go in a big circle?

But we did that yesterday!

Try a rhombus.

You can't "go" in a rhombus!

Ever watch baseball dummy? They go in a rhombus.

I'm putting you in the glove compartment!

- Sent from somewhere near here

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Saturday good eats

Tomato, cucumber and green apple salad with honey and whole grain mustard vinaigrette (plus I put some fish sauce in it too!)

Sweet pea and cottage cheese salad with lemon thyme and roasted garlic

We did some product comparisons while in culinary school and invariably, the store brand product was of better quality than the name brand. However, the off-brand sweet peas from the ghetto grocery store above do not qualify. The poor color and irregular sizes don't do much for the looks of this salad, but the flavor is delicious. You can eat it with your eyes closed if you prefer. Or you can go fuck yourself and make your own damned salad. Get out of my kitchen!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Bottom of the barrel culture

Southern Culture 101:

Even though the old Popsicle is intent on raising me from bed at these crazy morning hours for illegitimate reasons, I still try to take care of the old codger because, well, because he's my dad after all and I love him.

This morning I made him breakfast at 4 a.m., but pickins were slim in the fridge, so I made do with what I had and concocted a favorite Southern classic for pop: fried bologna. And with that, a cake of last night's mashed potatoes and some multi-grain toast and black cherry jelly (Polaner All-Fruit actually, and some stuffy old Yankee broad just fainted). AND. . .on a paper plate no less with the good silver.

Must be time to go the the grocery store. Fairy, where are you little helper??


Bad mojo in the air today, but as far as I can tell no one has been hurt and I am thankful for that.

Damn you to hell in a handbasket full of rabid alligator snapping turtles and hand grenades, Mother Nature!

Thursday, April 14, 2011


11 herbs and psychos

Man, who in the hell would want to harm one of the most iconic entreprenuers that ever lived?

Just look at that old guy?  Who would want to hurt him?  It's my guess that someone misunderstood the 11 herbs deal.  Ain't them kinda herbs, yo!

A package deal

Sometimes you get exactly what you pay for and sometimes you don't.  Almond Joy has nuts and so does this guy's wife.

Buyer beware. . .

It just occured to me that if the TSA were on the case, this might have never happened.

Pants on the ground!

And on fire!

Just heard Gene Sperling on Fox say that the liar-in-cheese Obama offered a very "comprehensive" budget plan yesterday. Hey dickhead, do you read the news? Real ANALYSIS proves that this thing is full of holes, misnomers, platitudes and hyperbole. Yes little Mary, those evil Republicans want to kill you grandmother. This plan has more holes in it than Obama's past does.

I will repeat for the hard of hearing and you people with diminished short-term memory function: this country is broke. And by broke I mean we couldn't rent for three minutes the foreskin of a Thai tranny hooker for 25 cents an hour even if she were priced for half-off retail at the two-thirds off/two-for-one sale at your discount low-priced dollar tranny hooker store.

On a partially unrelated note I wonder what TSA does with someone like this? Six year old girls are fine to grope though.

This is our government AND this is our government on drugs. Prepare for the end, it is near.

It's 3:30 a.m.

And I'm out of rum.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Head count!

Came home last night to an empty pond and had great concern that the baby geese had been nibbled upon by some bloodsucking animal. The parent geese were absent and it wasn't until well after sunset that the folks flew in. I guess they needed an afternoon away from the babies. Maybe they spent their afternoon at the goose bar drinking what else, but Grey Goose vodka.

Anyway, this morning they finally appeared about 30 minutes after sunrise and thankfully, all six goslings are accounted for.

I don't expect all of them to live to adulthood, but it would have been a real shame to lose them all to Mother Nature so quickly.

Finger Donkey lives!

Viva el burro del dedo!

You have no idea how much amusement has been had with this 10 cent handmade finger puppet from Peru.

- Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A flotilla of hoser honkers

This year's clutch of baby geese have arrived and after the unfortunate demise of the 4 babies from last year, I am hoping for better luck of the SIX babies this year.  Yes, I said six.  Behold the beauty of nature. . .

And one little honker doesn't want to get with the program. . .

I want my rights!!

If tree-hugging hippie activists looked like this, I wouldn't have so much of a problem with the following Bolivian proposal to the United Nations.

I'd only like to add that I've never seen a bug-hugger activist and somehow I feel the trees would have more rights than bugs.  And if we are going this far, why not give rights to things like oxygen or Monet watercolors or jelly-filled donuts with those dumb sprinkles on top.  And since I mentioned donuts, what about yeasts?  Those are living organisms that are constantly abused, being made to work long hours in bread doughs and alcoholic beverages farting out carbon dioxide only to be roasted in a hot oven or sent to an untimely death in the bowels of some drunkened fatso in a filthy bar in Milwaukee.

Speaking of watercolors, what about that painting hanging over your grandmother's mantle showing a pastoral scene of rural barns and dairy cows.  The pigments of those paints are harvested from minerals directly ripped from the womb of Mother Earth for heaven's sake!  And all you do is sit there and loathe the peach colored sunrise and the muddy brown brush strokes of the cattle, you callous piece of shit.  What the fuck is wrong with you?

Mexican mufflers, those should have rights too.  Might as well toss in some quarks and black holes, string theory and the event horizon.  And that nasty toe jam you dig out from underneath your big toenail.  There is bound to be some living shit in that funk just screaming at the top of its stinky little lungs, "help me before he flicks me into the carpet where I'll be slowly consumed by dust mites, bite by microscopical bite!" And down in the forest of army green shag carpet there is a dust mite saying to his wife, Damnit Ermaline, toe cheese again! Call that idiot attorney cousin of mine, it's time to sue! This is outrageous!"

In the famous words of Buford T. Justice, "What in the hell is the world coming to?" and "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."

Monday, April 11, 2011


Easy Recipe

Take one whole head of cabbage and introduce a .44 magnum hollow point.  Instant cole slaw!

Keep the change

*nom* *nom* *nom*

Thanks for the extra 39 cents.

Don't worry about it, just hurry up. Those things stink.

*nom* *nom* *nom*

- Sent from my iPhone

Vive La France

No matter what the modern French people think of us, deep down France has always been an important ally to us, so it's nice to see France bone up and kick some ass for a change.

Another thing I've noticed is no one is boo-hooing some bullshit colonialism garbage or accusing these lily-white Frenchmen of racism for attacking a black regime. God bless France. Someone has to have the balls to get in there and stir it up with these bloodthirsty and uncivilized savage dictators.

Might have to go find a bottle of Chateau Margueax to celebrate this evening.

- Sent from my iPhone


Where are we going today, Lucky Travel Lizard?

How about Stonewall and Stringer?

What's there?

Not much.



What ya gonna do with that dollar?

You'll see when we get there.


Complete with mudflaps.

- Sent from my iPhone

Friday, April 8, 2011


I remember in high school English class learning about the principles of literature and writing. Our teacher-drone mumbled on and on about alliteration, denouement, foreshadowing and such, but it wasn't until he mentioned hyperbole that he had my attention.

I dismissed most of his benign boring bunk as baloney and anything he said in class was clearly a violation of the quiet time I spent studying the small curves in the neck of the blonde girl in front of me. However, when he mentioned hyperbole, this method of stretching the truth of a reality to induce interest had my interest.

Hyperbole, our teacher called it hyper-bowl for effect, is not limited to literature of course, and has become part of the daily verbal diet of our politicians. As a matter of fact, if you look up hyperbole in the dictionary, instead of finding words to describe it in succinct detail, you should find a photograph of Nancy Pelosi.

This louse, this lousy politician, this viral leech on the shared public nipple is the epitome of hyperbole. Her latest incantation that the GOP plan to cut spending is a "war on women" is the most ludicrous and utterly contemptible thing she has spit from her wrinkled up cake hole in a fine, long time.

If you listen to these Democrats, you will hear no rebuttal to the speaking of truth to power by the Republicans. They have no way to defend the outrageous and unsustainable spending that they have been endorsing for years, so they try to spin their way out of it with inflammatory statements as above. It is disgusting.

And now, some other jerkoff is claiming that a government shutdown is the equivalent of bombing civilians. Pardon me for a moment while I breathe deeply to avoid a stroke. I guess ripping a living child from the womb of a mother using taxpayer money is nothing like the "not really" bombing of civilians in the Democrat mind.

These fools, and I do not absolve Republicans of their part in it, have spent every last dime of our money times 10,000 on every pet and social project they could construct. It is time to stop the spending. It is time to stop the spending. It is time to stop the spending. Don't you overpaid and underworked slapdick motherfuckers understand that we are broke? We are fucking broke? We don't have any more motherfucking whore-banging money you psychopathic, child-killing shitbuckets! Don't you fucking get it? The checkbook has been balanced and there is a big ol' blinking, no, not blinking, a motherfucking radioactively glowing MINUS sign at the bottom of the register!!!! You don't have to be an economical genius to figure that bullshit out!!! Game over space cadet!!!

Jesus H Christ!

Planned Parenthood and other programs may be worthy of funding, but no one can tell where the goddamn federal money is spent in Planned Parenthood's case, and it is completely against the law for the government to fund abortions. Hence, take the money away until you can prove where the money goes. End of story. And if some poor, destitute, ghetto mother becomes pregnant by one of her baby daddy, well tough shit Sherlock. Stop spreading your legs for every hard dick that comes pimp-limping down the skreet. I shouldn't have to pay for this shit. And if you do have a baby, I shouldn't have to pay for it either. Get a fucking job!

I'm done with this hyperbole and godawful yammering about the government shutdown. No one is gonna fucking die, no one is being "warred" upon and we're not gonna fight a civil war Rev. Jackson. And that is NOT hyperbole, it is fact.

And facts, as we know, are in awful short supply in the dimwitted, dumpy, dank, delusions of the Democratic party. So fuck you.

- Sent from my iPhone

Thirsty Friday

Feeling the urge to squeeze some limes. . .

- Sent from my iPhone


Along the way to close my eyes
I lost where I was going
The more it will spin
The more that I try
To stop my mind flowing away, away
To all that I despise
Along the way to close my eyes

- Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Gasous Emanations

Government Motors (GM) proudly introduces the 2011 GM Obummer.  The 2011 Obummer runs on hot-air, bullsit and broken promises.  It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through quick left turns.  It comes complete with two Tele-Prompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.  The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy owners.  Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL.  It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!


This guy should probably lay of the sauce before bedtime.

Monday, April 4, 2011


I've often noted that Mother Nature is an unkind, cold-hearted bitch with no mercy for anything or anyone and last week's heavy weather proved my point again.

Thunderstorms rolled through on Wednesday night and with that came high winds and pea-sized hail. You wouldn't think pea-sized hail could do a lot of damage, but we aren't Swiss chard, rutabagas or turnips.

I expect most of it to come back, although three of my Early Girl 50 tomato plants are toast. I've been trying to imagine what an impact this would be if I were some 19th century pioneer who totally relied on my crops for sustenance. I guess I'd be doing just what I'm doing, tending to the injured plants and readying the earth for more planting and praying to Baby Jesus to tell Mother Nature to "piss off por su person." I know you don't understand what that means, but I assure you it is very hi-larious.

Oh well, back to square two and a half. My dream of tomatoes by May are now just a distant memory, but at least there is this: Unlike Jeremiah Johnson, I can drive down to the grocery and purchase tomatoes that were grown in Chile, packed in California and fertilized with human poo. What a civilized world we live in!

- Sent from my iPhone


I doodled around with the comment settings this weekend to enable easier commenting, so feel free to give me your two cents. And your little sister's phone number.

- Sent from my iPhone

A study of inanimate stuff #2

I wonder how many millions Ford wasted to engineer the worst change holder ever devised?


- Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Hey Lindsey

Why don't you suck on a doo doo encrusted corncob?

To say this is outrageous is a serious understatement. Who's side are you on??

- Sent from my iPhone


The best remedy for a night full of tequila drinking? Eggs Benedict of course.

There is something therapeutic about making hollandaise sauce with a head filled with alcohol vapors. I think it's about nap-thirty now.

- Sent from my iPhone

Friday, April 1, 2011

A study of inanimate stuff #1


- Sent from my iPhone

Dough it

Don't you find it unusual that donuts are called donuts and not fried bread with a hole in the middle?

Maybe it's just me.

- Sent from my iPhone

Dr. Doolittle strikes again

I guess I have a new cat whether Wildcat likes it or not. Bobcat could care less as long as it doesn't interfere with her daily recommended amount of kitty rubs.

Any suggestions for a name of my new little boy? I was considering "Honkey Donkey" or "Skitty Kitty."

- Sent from my iPhone