Monday, November 28, 2011

Yo!



I'm not sure what that was all about. But I am sure that whatever this thing is should be cryogenically frozen and stored in the seed vault on the Norwegian Island of Spitsbergen, so that after we destroy Earth and all of mankind the survivors will have a prime example of what not to be ever, ever again.

¡Peligroso!





You almost deserve to have your ass fall off if you are dumb enough to go to some freak's house to have ass "implant injections."


People are getting stupider by the day, aren't they?

Change you can believe in

I was going to title this post "Unbelievable!" but hey, let's call a spade a spade.

We don't need no stinking badges!


From the category of

.....you just can't make this shit up.


Thank you Baby Jesus!

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

And if you can stomach some wretched hyperbole of what a iconoclastic cocksucker politician he was, then click here.

Otherwise, here are some great pictures of the female form for your enjoyment.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Gobble this

Here's a Thanksgiving recipe for you.  It's easy as scratching your dirty butthole and contaminating 300 pounds of cole slaw.

Get some fennel, slice that shit into slices.  That's why they call it slicing  While you are fucking that up, peel a couple of apples.  Or don't peel them.  Peeling them only produces larger turds.  Put those sliced slices with the other sliced slices and slop some over-priced, nasty-ass-tasting, extra-virgin olive oil on those sliced slices.  Jigger in some apple cider vinegar and some lemon juice.  Don't forget to keep the lemon seeds out, wouldn't want to knock Granny's bridge out of her pie-hole.

Mix that shit around a little like you know what the fuck you are doing.  In the meantime, kick your old lady in the shin and tell that hooch to chop you up some tarragon.  Berate her constantly and tell her how stupid she is during the process because you'll be too drunk to fuck after this day is over anyway.

Add the tarragon to your completely fucked up bowl of sliced slices and have your 7 year old nephew stir it with his filthy doo doo hands.  Add some salt and pepper and maybe a dab of honey if it's a bit loud.

Optional items might include unwashed sliced celery slices.  Red onion slices sliced up into slices.  And maybe some knobs of gorgonzola cheese, which for those who forget or don't like to think of these kinds of things, is actually rotten milk fermented with fungi and cow gut juice and is festering with blue-green bacteria.

Let it sit for a little while, then serve.  And sit back, relax, slam some tequila, and relish in the fact that you have created a masterpiece of culinary genius and that several hours from now, everyone one you hate in your family with be shitting volcanic lava from their butts.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Interesting

The memo pledges that Pakistan would then hand over top al Qaeda and Taliban officials residing in Pakistan, including Ayman Al Zawahiri, Mullah Omar, and Sirajuddin Haqqani, or give U.S. military forces a "green light" to conduct the necessary operations to capture or kill them on Pakistani soil, with the support of Islamabad. "This commitment has the backing of the top echelon on the civilian side of our house," the memo states.

Well, it's about time, turds.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Also

And while the giant microwave is open, shove these fucking turds in there too.

Goddamned savage beasts.

Limp

Delivering dreams my ass.







No one is sitting around saying, "ZOMG! I wonder when my dream will arrive?" They are sitting around saying, "Where are the fucking mattress people? They should've been here four hours ago!"

The ad people who came up with this miserable excuse of a slogan should be herded into a giant microwave and exploded. And the two generic nerds who posed for the silhouette in the nifty delivery costumes should have their penises slammed shut in a burning jack-in-the-box made of barbed-wire.

That should be penalty enough for my disappointment that MattressFirm doesn't actually deliver dreams, but instead delivers over-priced, rectangular-shaped, wooden boxes of metal coils and fabric.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to lay down on my dream and take a nap.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

ALERT!!!!


The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.



And in other unworthy news

I quote Obama:

You know, they said we needed to triple the Border Patrol. Or now they’re going to say we need to quadruple the Border Patrol. Or they’ll want a higher fence. Maybe they’ll need a moat. Maybe they want alligators in the moat. They’ll never be satisfied. And I understand that. That’s politics.

Maybe a moat ain't a such bad idea there chief.

Farts in the wind

I can just imagine you sitting in front of your lighted mirror, preening and preening, most sure of your self, your intelligence, your self-importance, and awareness. The people around you serving your every need and reinforcing your bulging ego, bringing you your Chai latte made with soy milk as you nibble on nutritious bars of organic, free-range, cracked hominy and millet. Yes sir, you have certainly arrived. People look to you for answers, they delve into your astounding intelligence seeking the truth of the world around them. Too bad you are a fucking fraud, just like the legions of your contemporaries who have cast their unbiased journalistic integrity into the bitter wind.

Dogs are pretty smart and self-aware too, however this does not stop them from licking their own balls and asshole.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Second Chance

Just like a liberal to not think of the consequences of his actions prior to acting upon them.

Next time might I suggest sticking your head in there instead of your arm.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011