Oh Noes!!

>:o











Dick Cheney! Halliburton!! War criminal! George Bush! Baby killer! Mission accomplished! No WMD's! War criminal!! Hitler!! Monkey! Dunce! No blood for oil! Colin Powell! Uncle Tom! Bush lied people died!!!

Hey you Code Pink asshole, you do realize that Barack "My name isn't Barry" Obama has started a third kinetic kung fu action manouvere WAR for no justifiable reason other than to ensure an uninterrupted oil supply for Europe while allowing the rebels of Libya, which contain elements of Al Qaeda, to sell the aforementioned oil on the open market to purchase weaponry, right?

Really?

Yes really.

Oh well, that's cool. Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize ya know. He can do that. Now, if you'll excuse me. . .

Bush lied, people died!! Baby killer!! Dick Cheney.........

Listen up "nigga"

Yes dear Obama, it's too bad your aren't quite black enough for some of your own people.


- Sent from my iPhone

Daddy?

Why you put all this stuff on my table?  I wanna lay down!

So Proud

Jackson State University hosted an event this weekend where some crusty old codgers from the civil rights era could dust themselves off and revel in their own self-importance.  You might be saying to yourself, "Now now Glimour, don't put yourself in a position to be caled a racist."  And to that I would say, up your nose with a rubber hose Horseshak.

Let me do some 'splainin to you tender hearts what these peeples bes about.  Dey bes about hating the white man, period, end of story.  How could I make such an accusation against people I don't even know?  Easy, let's start with the keynote speaker, Louis Eugene Walcott. Sounds like a cracker, don't it?  Don't let that name fool you because that is the real name of the vile leader of the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan.

Now, any self-respecting black person and especially the ones who contributed to the civil rights movement would want to distance themselves from such a bigoted nutjob like Farrakhan, but no. . .he was cheered jubilantly by the crowd and called a "humanitarian" by Jackson City Councilman Chokwe Lumumba.  Mr. Lumumba is an attorney and is an influential member of the once-violent Republic of New Afrika social movement.  The RNA wants to establish a new country located in southeastern "Amerikkka" and calls for reparations from the federal government for slavery. You can read more about that here. Plus if you dig deep enough through that website, you can earn a "degree" in courses such as "Black Psychology" which I guess is a lot mo' betta than regular psychology.

Birds of a feather flock together as they say and this conference was no different.  Besides Farrakhan, ex-con and former DC mayor Marion Barry was there offering up what? Cocaine and hooker advice? How not to get caught in an FBI sting?

Jackson State should be ashamed for allowing Farrakhan to speak there.  Any legitimacy that the school may have had is now lost and is unlikely to be recovered.  I'm sure many in the school's administration privately support  many of the outrageous and blantanty racist things Farrakhan has said over the years.  And hell, maybe they believe in the great mothership in the sky too.  You know, the 1000 wheels within a wheel that was constructed on the island of Nippon (Japan) and each wheel carries three bombs which can penetrate the Earth up to one mile?  Yeah, those wheels.  Why are you looking at me like that?  I'm not kidding.  And don't even get me started on the scientist Yakub who grafted a race a white people from the original black man 6000 years ago.

I quote Farrakhan:

"The Honorable Elijah Muhammad told us of a giant Mother Plane that is made like the universe, spheres within spheres. White people call them unidentified flying objects (UFOs). Ezekiel, in the Old Testament, saw a wheel that looked like a cloud by day but a pillar of fire by night. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that that wheel was built on the island of Nippon, which is now called Japan, by some of the Original scientists. It took $15 billion in gold at that time to build it. It is made of the toughest steel. America does not yet know the composition of the steel used to make an instrument like it. It is a circular plane, and the Bible says that it never makes turns. Because of its circular nature it can stop and travel in all directions at speeds of thousands of miles per hour. He said there are 1,500 small wheels in this Mother Wheel, which is a half mile by a half mile [800 m by 800 m]. This Mother Wheel is like a small human-built planet. Each one of these small planes carry three bombs.

 

"The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said these planes were used to set up mountains on the earth. The Qur'an says it like this: We have raised mountains on the earth lest it convulse with you. How do you raise a mountain, and what is the purpose of a mountain? Have you ever tried to balance a tire? You use weights to keep the tire balanced. That's how the earth is balanced, with mountain ranges. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that we have a type of bomb that, when it strikes the earth a drill on it is timed to go into the earth and explode at the height that you wish the mountain to be. If you wish to take the mountain up a mile [1.6 km], you time the drill to go a mile in and then explode. The bombs these planes have are timed to go one mile down and bring up a mountain one mile high, but it will destroy everything within a 50-square-mile [130 km²] radius. The white man writes in his above top secret memos of the UFOs. He sees them around his military installations like they are spying.

"That Mother Wheel is a dreadful-looking thing. White folks are making movies now to make these planes look like fiction, but it is based on something real. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that Mother Plane is so powerful that with sound reverberating in the atmosphere, just with a sound, she can crumble buildings."

Ok then.

Well, I wasn't sure where I was going with this post, so I'll just leave it as is as there really is no point to it other than to show the utter stupidity of the Nation of Islam, a religious organization formed by a charlatan white dude who is supposedly flying around on one of those spaceships. And the fools of the black community who lend support to the outrageous belief system of the Nation of Islam and who lament the problems of the black community by blaming it all on whitey.  Following the logic of Yakub, all the troubles of the black community really falls on the blacks themselves.  Wasn't it one of their own who created the "white devils" in the first place?

Just sayin'.

I look forward to when the mothership shows up.  I'm curious to see if the ships are piloted by a bunch of 1970's afro-wearing Dolomite-looking motherfuckers with shotguns.  The only thing that would be better than that was if the ships were piloted by Hasidic diamond merchants.

Obama is awesome

Heh.

Clearly

The #1 fish cat has become spoiled and refuses to have anything to do with what he now calls "bait."





- Sent from my iPhone

The fish are biting

And so is my #1 fish cat. He's just having a little trouble finding a place to start.





- Sent from my iPhone

Bang bang ur....?

Dead? And wearing women's underwear?

A day or so ago, two persons of Latino persuasion dressed as women, complete with makeup, fingernail polish and undergarments, then entered a gold and silver emporium in Pearl, Mississippi, with the intent of taking what was not their's to take.

Of course, these two individuals, being foreigners and all, probably knew nothing about the Castle Doctrine laws of this state which let citizens protect themselves and their property in case of imminent danger. I suppose something else they didn't consider while beautifying themselves to commit strong arm robbery was shaving their faces.

The alert store owner was able to draw his weapon as they drew theirs and sent one "puta" to the great lockup in the sky and the other to the hospital with a bullet in the place where his brain should have been. No charges are expected to be filed against the store owner.

Naturally, here comes some liberal butt-fucker to chunk the well-worn card of race into the situation:

The citizenship status of both men accused of attempting to rob the store shouldn't be an issue, said Bill Chandler, executive director of Mississippi Immigrants Rights Alliance.

"Making a big production about people who are undocumented and Latinos can fuel the racism," Chandler said.

"The reality is white people commit crimes. Other people commit crimes," he said.


What a fucking genius this guy is! White people commit crimes? Well, thanks for sharing dipshit! Next thing you know he'll be telling us that white people also eat tamales.

Christ almighty!

Fast food WTF of the day

Busy employee: You wants some jelly wif' yo otter?

Me: No thank you ma'am, but I would like some ketchup, cream and sugar please.





Ask and ye shall not get shit!

- Sent from my iPhone

Eh?

There's a moose aboot the hoose!

Meters

Sheriff Branford was tall.

Glucose

This is so sweet that 17,000 diabetic seizures occur every time it's viewed.

Walk it off

Wolf Blitzer, a puss-faced, mono-toned, word reader on CNN, told me yesterday that the nutty preacher down in Florida who has been threatening to burn a Koran for months, finally did it. En fuego!!

And why did he do it? I have a couple of theories:

1) Why the fuck not and who cares?

Or

2) Baby Jesus spoke to him from the depths of his morning prune juice instructing him to do so;

Or

3) The man is crazier than a bag full of rattlesnakes at a snake charmer church revival.

Regardless of his motive, it does raise an interesting point regarding our rights as American citizens concerning free speech and religious freedom. Didn't our court rule once that flag burning was protected "speech" under the laws and rights given to us by the Constitution? Well, in that case, book burning is protected as well and no manner or intensity of Muslim hissy fit will change that. This is why our country dominates the world and 4th century Islamic states couldn't find their way out of a paper bag even if the open end was marked with a chain gang of child brides and the winner of last years camel beauty contest humping a gallon jar of picked pig lips.  I sense seething.

As tasteless and intolerant it may be to burn the religious word of another, we in America accept this because this is our God given right of free will.  This loon down in Florida didn't hurt anyone by his act and in fact, he may have further exposed the hypocrisy of Muslim knuckle-draggers around the world.

Enter Pakistan.  Or as our current Playing-a-round-of-golf-fiddler-in-chief might say, Pokeman. Stan. PakeestAn.   Parakeetistan.  Whatevs, Duff McDufferton! 

Noonan!  Noo-nan! Noooo-NAN! 

Anyway, Pakistan, that glorious and highly advanced society which has contributed to the world such positively wonderful things like. . .uh. . .um. . .uh. . .ahh.....

PERPETUAL FUCKING OUTRAGE OVER ALL THINGS UNISLAMIC!!  Rugs.  I think they make good rugs.  That's about it.

So Pakistan, in the aftermath of Pastor Honkey McCracker burning the Islamic war manual, has lodged a complaint with that fine body of moderation, tolerance and clear-thinking known as the United Nations.  The article I read about this stated, "Pakistan believes that civilised people and societies must resist and oppose any tendency towards extremism of any kind," said Pakistan's Permanent Representative Ambassador Abdullah Hussain Haroon.

I can sum this up quite simply by penning my own letter.  Please hold while I try that extension. . .

Dear Pakistan,

Fuck you in your hairy Swat Valley with a burning Koran!

Sincerely,
The rest of the world

Let's examine some current examples of Pakistani tolerance:

Just two days ago:  Islamic maniacs gunned down two Christians outside of a church.  The Christians' crimes?  Asking the Islamic pigs to turn down the tunes and lay off the bitches, yo!

March 1, 2011:  Apparently somewhere in the Koran it says that educating little girls is real bad.  So bad in fact, Islamic pigs are required to ride by on motorcycles and toss ham sandwiches through the windows while school is in session.  Did I say ham sandwiches?  I'm sorry, I meant HAND GRENADES!

March 12, 2011:  Speaking of tasty things to eat, Veena Malik, a delicious Pakistani actress, is in trouble with Team Taliban because as actresses are sometimes required to do when acting, she touched a man.  That in and of itself is probably punishable by some insane form of discipline (nipple clamps?), but she not only touched a man, she touched an Indian man!  Oh, the Islamic horror!  Punishment?  She has to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, one after the other.  No, I'm kidding.  They want to kill her. And her family. And the family dog. And the mailman that delivers the mail to them. And the guy who invented stamps just for good measure.  Surely he was an infidel too.

So, with all of that proof of Pakistani tolerance (just a couple days worth, there is more) it is imperative that we honor and revere the great book of war, violence and intolerance known as the Koran just as they do with the things and people they dont agree with. Let's fuck it up, burn it, shoot it with a gun, blast it with a rocket, firebomb it from a motorcycle!! TOTAL MAYHEM!  Just. Like. Pakistan.  World Center of Tolerance.

Am I?

Well, if you mean in that transcendental sense of "where the fuck am I?" Then, yes I am.





- Sent from my iPhone

Well, do's you?

Do's you know's if something be's wrong's wif dis sign's?





- Sent from my iPhone

Tenderized

This afternoon, I just couldn't take it any longer.

Carmela was in there straightening the bedding for the third time, her smooth hands shaping the mild fabric of the thin sheets and her long braided pony tail draped around her neck and swinging in unison with her graceful movements. Bending over at the waist, her wide hips lent the necessary curve to her rear which was perfectly formed into an astounding and proportional shape of comfort.  Siren-like, calling me. Staring at me. Come to me you heathen.

I sat in my chair, dumfounded, with a melted piña colada in one hand, television remote in the other. Without warning, I lurched to my feet and spastically charged across the room in clunky, mechanical, 1950's robot action, hands full and without control of my large melonhead which was leading the remainder of my body by nine or ten inches. I tried desperately to right myself as I staggered past a blithering Wolf Blitzer (This is CNN!) on television. Did I just hear James Earl Jones?

I vaguely remember Wolf saying something about missile strikes when I realized that my feeble battle against the combined effects of gravity, alcohol and perversion was going to end in a head-first suicide attack on Carmela's back-side. It was simply too late to stop the unfortunate event which was soon to transpire and I swear I saw a horrifying, but crooked smile on my face as I whizzed past the wall mirror to meet my fate.

Someone really smart said something brilliant a long time ago about moving bodies.  And someone else invented a seasoned salt called Serendiptiy which is wonderful on hard-boiled eggs.  No one has ever told me what to do with a melted pina colada prior to slamming my head into a lovely and innocent woman's nether regions. I've always heard stories about people who have near-death experiences thinking about some inane thing like, "Did I turn off the stove?" or "Why did I waste all that time ironing my socks for 15 years?" For me, all I could think of was, "This is gonna smell great!"

3....2....1....contact!

I don't remember getting splattered in the face with the melted drink, but I had a warm rush of kismet wash over me as if cleansing my soul of any and all intransigence against the world.  It felt wonderful!  The impact was beautiful and face first and surprisingly soft and supple.  I sat on the floor with a stupified and sticky grin of satisfaction.  And Carmela must have been feeling the spirituality too, because she began to shreik and speak in tongues while she waved her arms around wildly as she extricated herslf from where she landed between the bed and the wall after our connection.  Man, she's really got the spirit!  Look at her go!

I was quite overwhelmed with the electrified vigor that coursed through her body as she spat and hurled things around the room, but I did manage to understand one thing she said in broken English about "cutting my huevos" before she rocketed out the door in obvious elation over our grand copulation.  I guess she'll be back tomorrow to join me for breakfast and I can't wait for that.  She's just great!  I wonder if she has kids?

After all of that excitement, I decided to leave to comfortable confines of the Hotel Coral Essex and meander down to the local Arby's for a delicious "Number 14."  When I arrived there I was confronted with the following photograph, which left me utterly speechless and filled with an overwhelming dread.  Any modicum of happiness coursing through my veins from the prior excitement was now gone.  Iced over.  Frozen rock solid.  Perpetually frozen at -349 degrees Kelvin.  Why does this have to happen to me?

Time stood still and I wept for it.

I can't drive 55

But aliens can abduct my brain for a little bit. Not the whole body, just the brain.

This might explain why the last Van Halen album was so terrible.

Jesus mother and Mary had a little lamb, I think I just became more dumber after reading that article.

Carmela?!! Hay un mess on the bed mi baby!


- Sent from my iPhone

From the foot of Mount Belzoni

It's another glorious day here at Hotel Coral Essex and there are few things that make me happier than having piña coladas as 8 a.m., except maybe watching the maid's ass when she bends over to change the sheets. I swear to god I think I see Jesus in it. I've never kissed a man before.....but.....

I think her name is Carmela or maybe it's Apolonia. Who the fuck knows? I asked her again but apparently my expert Spanish is not getting through to her. "Si what is your llama?" I said. Blank stares. Ah, who cares as long as she keeps bending over.

And now that I consider it for a moment, there are two things better than piña coladas: her ass bending over and my divergent fantasies of kissing the Jesus I see in her cooler. I think that's what they call it here. "Me duele en the cooler." I think that's what the other maid said one day....

I saw on CNN International this morning that something or someone bombed Ghaddafy's compound in Libya. Total bullshit. Reagan almost smoked his ass in the 80's and if it weren't for I-Talian super-secret agents leaking the bad news to Ghaddafy, Libya would be a fantastic golf destination these days. Camel polo or something.

He'd be a fucking moron to be hiding out in the most obvious place in Libya, especially when France or someone is looking for the wonderful opportunity to go, "Ooooopsie!"

Anyway, those holes looked like tank shells and not guided missiles. Oh you old desert fox you, you thought you were gonna pull one over on us, didn't you? The towel on your noggin has been wrapped too tightly for too long bucko.

*Sigh*

Carmelonia is in the bathroom now, maybe I'll accidentally spill this piña colada all over the bed....

....beats watching the bad news of the world on a loop.

- Sent from my iPhone

Optional

Click here is you want to see a narcotics trafficker with her face shot off. 

Click here if you want to see a monkey playing with a pussy.

Click here if you really enjoy being pissed off.

Click here for a good laugh.

You're welcome.

Un-lead-ed

Just when you thought Barack "Man with no name" Obama couldn't be any more ineffective as the leader of the free world. . .ta-fucking-da!!!  Surprise assholes!

Something just doesn't add up for me.  Three regimes have been overthrown in the Middle East/North Africa region and we haven't done a damned thing.  But my god man, all of the sudden 25 people got killed, so let's fire 60 million dollars of missiles into the country under the belief that the Council of Arab states of whatever the fuck those camels jockeys call it, oh the Arab League it is....  Yeah, they supported the whole idea for about 12 seconds and now?  Well, not so much.  But what the fuck do you expect from a bunch of rich, hypocritical tyrants whose religion advocates lying to infidels.  And what to you expect from a disaffected president en absentia who is carousing around with a bunch of left-wing Latin American leaders at the moment?

Punk ass motherfuckers.  We should go on a havelina round up in Texas and ship those sumbitches over there and let them rampage around those worthless Arab nations for a bit.  Fuck them!

Smooth Classic

Music can make a human emit such emotion that it is hard to quantify the effect in words.  But I'll try.

Any Justin Beiber song makes me want to drive down to the local convenience store and slap the fat lips off the black rhinocerous behind the counter.  Lazy, bigoted and just fucking dumb.  Donald Fagan on the other hand makes me want to drive down there and politely offer to shave her moustache for her.  For free I'm telling you.  I'd do it for free.  And I'd videotape it and sell it for 3 dollars a viewing.  I'll make a killing once the Japanese get their shit back together.

Have a nice day assholes!

YouTube link

Sorry I couldn't get the video to embed.  Don't know what the problem is, but let's just make the natural assumpton that Blogger sucks monkey balls.  Tiny little hairless monkey balls.  Go ahead.  You know you want to.  Put them in your mouth. . .

Grinding

Clearly, we need help.

Yesterday I was standing in line at the grocery and I watched as this morbidly obese whale of a woman bought a basket full of crap using food stamps. They don't call them food stamps anymore. It's something like the Hopeful Ray of Sunshine Debit Card of some feel good bullshit like that. Anyways, she bought chicharrones, chocolate milk, sugary cereal (presumably for a child, maybe not) and countless things of low nutricional value, which she purchased with the Happy Ray Sunshine food stamp debit card.

I think that when you swipe one of these food stamp cards, the machine should blare like a motherfucking foghorn and then announce to the entire store that the user is the human equivalent of a black hole sucking down dollar after dollar of hard-earned tax dollars. Your tax dollars, numbnuts. Shame is an excellent tool against the lazy and useless.

I was raging in my head. "You fat pig whore!" I wanted to reach over and squeeze her neck with all the strength I have. I have strong hands you know. But then I imagined my fingers slowly sinking into the sweaty, warm rolls of her immense neck like through room temperature butter and I had visions of tapeworm segments, little nits of worm eggs, slithering across my fingers and slowly sucking the life out of me as each finger grew into a giant tapeworm which began to eat itself in an endless circle eating and dying and farting out more tapeworm nits.

I decided that it was best not to strangle her. She'll probably just die of a coronary one day anyway. And no one will be infected by her neck worms.

Fucking bitch, I'm glad I can pay for her death through my tax dollars. She deserves it, although we could save a lot of time and money by just clubbing her to death with a Swiffer Sweeper.

Welcome

I have decided to start this blog because someone else lives in my head and this is his way of striking out at the world without actually hurting me or anyone else.  With all of that being said.....

.....go fuck yourself with a dirty toilet brush dipped in Miracle Whip, you nasty pig.  What the fucking hell do you think you're grinning at? Floss your teeth rimjob, looks like you had a spinach emema jammed up in those giant buck teeth of yours.  Ever heard of a dentist?  Or flouride for that matter?

Fuck off.

Oh and welcome to hell. Life is hard.